he-man_and_the_masters_of_177_1280

[File under Absurd Theology]

As a child of the 80’s I was a big fan of the cartoon Masters of the Universe. In this show, the hero, “He-man,” rode around on a big mutant [?] tiger and had constant run-ins and battles with the evil guy, Skeletor. Skeletor lived in a luxury castle called Castle Grayskull. I owned a replica version of Castle Grayskull as a kid. I want to stress — the Castle Grayskull I owned was not the real one, but rather a toy copy. It would be nearly impossible to transport the actual building into my living room, mostly because of size, and because of the fact that the real Castle Grayskull now resides in the desert wasteland of the planet Eternia. Space travel capabilities being what they are these days, we do not yet have consistent enough technology for transporting such large residences through the intergalatical areas, unfortunately. In 1987, my Dad took me to see the Masters of the Universe documentary film in the theatre. I thought it was the best piece of cinema to ever hit the ‘not at all silver’ screen. It is also a true story. You don’t believe me? Well, the proof is in the pudding, and so I hope you’re not lactose intolerant.

I was doing some research for a dictionary article that I’m writing and I found this revelation in 1 Chronicles 16:41, and I quote:

“With them were Heman and Jeduthun and the remnant who were chosen and expressly named to praise the Master [of the universe?], for his mercy endures forever.”

Here we have the first actual recorded sighting of He-man in the history of life. With him is some random dude named Jeduthun. My first thought on the second guy was that maybe they misspelled Jonathan. But then I realized the obvious truth — this word, which starts with “Jedu” is more likely the Hebrew word for “Jedi.” Thus, we’ve got He-man, who is the “Master of the Universe” and an unnamed Jedi, which I propose is either Obi Wan Kenobi, or Yoda. My hunch is that it is Yoda because Yoda is green, and thus according to logic and science, all of the coordinates and math statistics prove this unassailable fact.

Notice what it says next — the chosen remnant “praise the Master” which in the context is clearly He-man, who we already know through the biography movie from 1987 and the earlier cartoon, is commonly known as “Master of the Universe.” But what about Skeletor?
skeletor
Consider Job 40:18: “His bones are tubes of bronze, his limbs like bars of iron.” So, basically, who else could it be? It’s clearly Skeletor.

Then in Ezek. 37:7 we get a closer look at the story of Skeletor’s origin:
“The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out in the Spirit of the LORD and set me down in the middle of the valley; it was full of [presumably skeletor’s] bones. And as I prophesied, there was a sound, and behold, a rattling, and the bones came together, bone to its bone.”

It’s almost as if the next line could naturally read — “…and that’s how Skeletor came into being.”

The Bible also teaches about a certain mysterious castle in Nehemiah 7:2: “I gave my brother Hanani and Hananiah the governor of the castle charge.”  So, Hananiah has to be Skeletor’s name before he decided to become a bad guy. The logic goes like this: (1) Hananiah lives in a castle, and (2) Skeletor lives in a castle, and thus (3) Hananiah is Skeletor, and the castle is Castle Grayskull. Thus, the logic is irrefutable and certainly correct.

And then there is one more crazy thing I found. The most surprising of all! If you search Hananiah [i.e. Skeletor] in the Bible you find this stunning revelation about him in 1 Chronicles 25:4:

Of Heman, the sons of Heman: Bukkiah, Mattaniah, Uzziel, Shebuel and Jerimoth, Hananiah [Skeletor!], Hanani, Eliathah, Giddalti, and Romamti-ezer, Joshbekashah, Mallothi, Hothir, Mahazioth.

Skeletor is He-man’s son! Shocking!

And so the story all comes together after all. According to the Bible, He-man met the Jedi Yoda in the ancient Near East, way before George Lucas was ever born. At some point He-Man had many sons with an unnamed wife, one of which sons was named Hananiah, otherwise known as Skeletor, who was the governor of Castle Grayskull, and who later become evil lord of Eternia, a planet in outer space. Thus, it all makes sense.

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