The latest from my old hometown from the Saugus Police Reports. Nothing much has changed. Mostly still random people with machetes and people urinating in public. Best selections with commentary below.

A Sunnyside Morning Pee — “At 8:05 a.m. a Sunnyside Avenue caller reported a male urinating in her yard.” [No surprise here. Every time I check these reports there is a random dude peeing on someone’s lawn in plain view. Every time.]

Waffle Rage — “At 10:46 p.m. a Central Street caller reported a male creating a disturbance in front of her residence. An officer reported the male was upset because someone threw waffles at him. Peace was restored.” [Awesome. So glad that peace was restored. Thank God for law enforcement…and waffles]

Testicles at Tedeschi’s — “At 9:30 a.m. a woman reported while she stood at the bus stop by Tedeschi’s on Lincoln Avenue a male pulled up to her and exposed his genitals.”

Machete Gathering — “At 6:31 p.m. a caller reported he and several friends were gathered behind the Waybright School and a male with a machete chased them.” [What! That’s insane!]

Birch Street Kook —”At 8:53 p.m. a Birch Street caller reported his neighbor had an outside fire and was dancing around the fire with a flaming staff. Firefighters reported the fire was extinguished.” [And…any news on the nut dancing with a staff engulfed in flames?]

Danger at Dunkin — “At 7:58 p.m. a caller stated that a male known to him pulled up to him in a pickup truck, removed a machete from the backseat, held it out the window, and threatened to cut him with it near the Dunkin’ Donuts on Lincoln Avenue before driving away from the area.” [Same guy from before?]

The Pumpkin Shuffler — “At 1:29 a.m. an officer reported sending a male on his way who was rearranging pumpkins on the First Congregational Church property.” [“rearranging Pumpkins….what?]

A Caffeinated Confusion — “At 11:52 a.m. a 911 caller reported a female in distress in a vehicle at Border Café. Officers reported she wasn’t in distress but simply enjoying a Starbucks coffee.” [Wonderfully odd.]

Oil for the Rats — “At 1:57 p.m. the Mass DOT reported a party on Milano Drive was seen dumping oil into a sewer pipe. Officers reported a male claimed to pour one ounce of oil in the drain to fix a rat problem. The DPW was notified and will investigate.” [No investigation necessary, just some weird dude pouring oil into the sewer.]

Toothless Goon on the Prowl — “At 3:20 p.m. police received a call from a woman whose daughter and a friend were walking home from school and approached by a male in a black vehicle who asked the girls for their numbers and to get in the car. Both girls fled the scene. One of the girls stated it appeared he had no teeth.” [No teeth! Nice!]


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