Some decent recent out-takes from the Saugus Police Reports. My hometowns contribution to the history of the glorious stupid and the delightfully absurd:

Inexplicable Lamb — “At 9:20 p.m. an Essex Street caller reported a male drove a vehicle onto her lawn and knocked down a lamb [what?] and then slapped her in the head.”

Picnic Table Toss & Fun with Garbage – “At 6:37 p.m. a caller reported about 10 youths tossing around a picnic table and trash [in most communities you would choose a baseball or football, not garbage and lawn furniture for a game of catch] in the rear lot of the Tumble Inn Diner. An officer was unable to locate the youths. [of course, b/c locating ten hoodlums tossing around a table is very difficult]”

Doth Ye Have a Permit for Thy Sword? — “At 11:50 a.m. a caller from Youth and Recreation reported the people at Lynnhurst School with swords didn’t have a permit and he wanted them removed. [of course, if they had a permit, sure, let them hang out at the elementary school, but the lacking permit makes sword play unacceptable ?]”

Six Urinating Youths Evade Capture, Building covered in pee, police baffled
“At 4:57 p.m. a caller reported six youths urinating on the buildings at Laurel Gardens. An officer was unable to locate the group. [one is able to run much faster on an empty bladder]”


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