*Originally Compiled in 2013.

The latest oddities and out-takes from my old stomping ground, the Saugus, Massachusetts Police Reports. My favorites are the classic Route 1 “Sunbather at Ferns”, the utterly random “Dead Fish in Driveway”, and the wonderfully worded “Recantation of Fuel”. For those friends who live/lived in Saugus and fans of generally stupid things in American Suburbia.

Children of the Corn — “a caller reported kids walking around Talbot Street with torches.”

Coyote Whack — “a caller reported a male trying to hit a coyote with a stick on Lincoln Avenue.” [Saugus, ‘Someplace Special’…except for Coyotes]

Dead Fish Driveway —”a resident of Magnolia Street came to the station to report that he found a dead fish in his driveway.”

Business as usual at Ferns — “at Ferns Motel on Route 1 reported a man with his pants down in the parking lot. He was near a red older model pickup truck with a white cab. Dispatched officers spoke with the man and noted his pants were down, but he was wearing underwear. The man explained he was attempting to sunbathe. He was advised to stop.”

The Spirit of New England – “a caller reported a female spit in her face over a parking spot at the Dunkin’ Donuts in Village Plaza.” [a nice way to start off the day. The warm New England Spirit.]

Juniper Lawn Toilet — “a caller reported observing a male urinating into a bottle on Juniper Drive who dumped it on the grass.” [Why the bottle if it was ultimately dumped? Was this a test of aim?]

Johnson Lawn Toilet— [same urinator or a bottle-less copycat?] “a Johnson Road resident reported a male urinated on her lawn. An area search by police was negative.”

The Recantation of Fuel — “a customer ordered a specific amount of fuel at Jag Petroleum and after it was pumped recanted the statement.” [I love the use of the word “recant” here. Who recants of a gas order?]

Trash Dump — “Stop & Shop loss prevention reported a U-Haul truck dumped a large amount of debris behind the building.” [People just randomly dumping huge volumes of trash in public by means of a massive truck. Classic.]

Rockman — “a person with a flashlight walking around the back of LA Fitness. Officers reported a male was collecting rocks.”

Main Street Mannequin — “a caller reported seeing a body inside a house on Main Street. Officers reported it was a mannequin.”

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