Notice the eyes. Very sinister. Demonic laser eyes or just irritated and need Visine.
Notice the eyes. Very sinister. Demonic laser eyes or just irritated and need Visine.

I was walking down Lamond Drive in St. Andrews here in Scotland this past week and noticed this warning. My friends, it appears the gulls of fury are descending on our fine town with apocalyptic eyes of red danger and wrath. The poster warns that feeding of the gulls will result in a number of inescapable and terrifying calamities the likes of which this town of ours has never seen before. Most disturbing is the potential and impending ‘fouling’ (polite British it seems for the food induced proliferation of seabird defecation).

I myself have seen these seabirds of Satan on the prowl, assaulting ducks, singing their demon hymns of insanity, burning with grumpy rage and heckling numerous uninformed toddlers holding bread meant for the aforementioned duckies, now forced to surrender these delicious snacks of glee and wheat to the sea beasts of hell instead.

I do not mean to slander all gulls, but I notice that these gulls have red eyes of scary demon hellish, which make me think we need to slay them with the Spirit for an adventure.


The main culprit bird gull grumpy demon seahound of the picture seems to be the leader. We shall call him Larry. The others lurk in the background not unlike the hoard of malevolent flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz, just waiting to cause chaos and torment Dorothy and company on their quest to see a pseudo-wizard dude. Nevermind them, I’m concerned here about the gulls. It’s the gulls who, according to this poster have the red eyes, which is key, you see. It almost seems as though they’re going to shoot lazers out of those eyes. Could it be? Goodness this thing is going intergalactic if so. It might be like extraterrestrial demon birds or something. God forbid! Nobody give them any seeds because they seem super intent on destruction.

Am I reading this rightly? They are to cause many problems? Even aggressive behaviour? Sounds like some birdy seagull needs a time out…and an exorcisim.

Fear not my friends! Together by not feeding the gulls and with the help of the Fife Council we can survive this apocalypse of seafaring satan hawks. Together we can get back to business as usual and a more benevolent gull.


A Concerned Citizen and Fan of Non-Demonic Gulls


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